We’ve all experienced that rumbling in the tummy. The kind of rumbling that is accompanied by uncontrollable sweating and gross noises and silent prayers that we make it to a hole in the ground on time. Today’s Oversharing Mama, Penny from Mom Rants and Comfy Pants, is no different. Except her story is epic because it happened in public and in front of her teenage son…
Ever since I can remember, I have had stage fright in the bathroom. As a kid, I would turn on all the faucets just so nobody could hear me pee. And if I had to go, ya know, number two, I would literally hold it until everybody was asleep.
When I was in high school, I wouldn’t even eat lunch at school because I was afraid that I’d have to ask for the bathroom pass. The girls at my table would marvel at my ability to not eat. “Oh, you’re so lucky you can pass up lunch. I wish I could.” Or “No wonder you stay so skinny. Lucky!” Little did they know that I was just suffering from Poop Paranoia!
When I was in college, I once blew off my afternoon classes just so I could “go” in my own bathroom when I knew nobody would be home. It was an HOUR drive! My Hubs refers to that as the “home stool advantage”. Gross.
So, anyway…how does that relate to the aforementioned ice cream and sandwich shops? I’m getting to that.
Last summer, I was sitting in my car waiting for my son to finish up with his indoor baseball hitting lesson. Being the green mom that I am, I didn’t want to run the car with the air conditioning on. Big mistake. I was green alright…..as in about to throw up from heat exhaustion. Middle of July, surrounded by concrete, and the sun blazing at me right through the windshield.
As soon as my son’s lesson was over, we were going to have to head right to his eye doctor appointment. One thing you need to know…we live in the middle of pretty much nowhere. You have to get on the interstate and drive at least 30 minutes to get anywhere, including my son’s eye doctor.
Now normally, I’m an extremely prepared person. Other moms used to call me the Queen of the Worst Case Scenario because regardless of what happened to any kid within a 10 mile radius, there was something in my bag that would correct the problem. Didn’t matter what it was…..hunger, thirst, diaper change, need to be bandaged, soothed, entertained, or protected from the zombie apocalypse, I was your gal. But for some reason, that day, I was off – like WAY off. So. Very. Unprepared.
So the 13 year old gets in the car and immediately asks me (like he does every single day of the summer) “what’s for lunch”? Damn! I had forgotten the most important detail of my life as a mom to a teenage boy – always be ready with food. So, his choices were limited to McDonald’s or the Dairy Queen, with its new pimped out food menu. Of course, he went with DQ. So we go through the drive thru line and I order myself a chicken snack wrap thingy and a bottle of water. Harmless, right?
I distinctly remember scarfing the snack wrap and heading for the interstate. After that, things became a blur. I have a vague recollection of reaching over to turn up the air conditioner – as high as it would go. And then the teen would turn it off. I’d turn it back on. And back and forth it went until he’s all like “dude, what is your problem? It’s freezing in here!” I have no idea what I said or did but I vaguely remember having trouble seeing because the sweat was getting in my eyes.
Did I mention that we live out in the middle of nowhere? Nowhere people! The interstate between Tiny Town and the closest thing to an actual town is about 30 minutes and it’s surrounded by pig farms and cornfields. Nowhere to go and not much opportunity to say “screw this, we’re headin’ back home”. Something was about to happen as the cars all seemed to run together.
I kept driving, praying that this weird feeling would pass. And then the rumbling started. It was a low growl at first and then grew in intensity and volume. I really couldn’t be sure at this point what might happen next but it was not going to be pretty. I started praying out loud. Actually, they weren’t actual prayers. They were more like “omigod, omigod, omigod”. Thankfully, my son was smart enough to stare straight ahead and zip a lip!
Finally, we approached the exit. I was white knuckling the steering wheel and breathing better than I ever had during the births of my boys. By this point, I was pretty sure what was about to happen and from which end. If only I could get to a ………..wait a minute!! I had no plan. By this point, I was pretty sure that a volcano rivaling St. Helen’s was going to occur. That was not in question. The question was WHERE!!
I got to the end of the exit and turned onto the road leading to my son’s eye doctor. All I could picture was how fancy my son’s eye doctor’s office was. Everything was so pretty…so clean. If it came down to it, I couldn’t possibly defile the bathroom in that office. What was I going to do?
Like a beacon out of nowhere, there stood the big, yellow and green Subway sign! By this time, I was pretty sure I’d eaten a really bad chicken wrap made by the giggly girls of our local DQ. Unfortunately, there was no DQ in sight (so I could feel like I got a little DQ revenge) so Subway it would have to be.
I’m not entirely sure that I even looked for oncoming traffic before I made that turn. I don’t recall pulling into a parking spot, putting the car in PARK or racing inside. I just remember the immense feeling of relief I had when I raced through the door, pushed my way through to the back of the restaurant and slammed and locked the door.
Luckily, it was a family type bathroom so I was alone. Alone,except for the fact that my son, 2 equally giggly girls behind the counter and a grandma type who was busy feeding and entertaining a toddler were on the other side of the incredibly thin walls. Have you ever seen the “toilet scene” in the Wayans Brothers movie, White Chicks? Totally me, except without the crazy shoes.
We were late for the eye doctor’s appointment by about 15 minutes. And even though I’m a green livin’ gal, I totally wanted to jump in a bucket of bleach after that incident. I’m not sure what the other fine folks in the Subway restaurant thought because I pretty much sprinted to the front door without even a hint of eye contact.
My son, God bless him, even asked if I was alright once we got back in the car. For the first time, he was left utterly and completely speechless. And I was alright, except for the feeling of guilt I had for the poor giggly girl that had bathroom duty that day. But it taught me a lesson. Carrying the big green bag and wearing the crown of Queen of the Worst Case Scenario is not necessarily a bad thing. Oh, and stay away from Dairy Queen and Subway.
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If this Oversharing made you giggle, or if you’re squeezing your butt cheeks together in empathy, you can find more of Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants HERE or on Facebook HERE! I’m sending her a hug because she nominated me for the Inspirational Blogger and Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness. She probably just feels sorry for me, but I’ll take it!
If you’re willing to share a humiliating moment from your life (c’mon, all the cool kids are doing it…), hit me up at WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion [at] gmail [dot] com. Check out my Oversharing Page at the top of my blog for more info!
Pooping in public is a fear I share.
It was definitely not one of my proudest moments!
Aww, poor Penny!!!! Like your son, I’m speechless..
Loved that story. Funny, had to take a break in the middle, the results of my morning coffee called me.
You? Speechless? Bahahahahaha……nothing like a good, morning cup of coffee to get the job done. 🙂
Oh my you poor thing! All I can think of is Finch from American Pie! 😉 At least you made it somewhere and were able to relieve yourself!
My husband has issues with having to go at the least inopportune times. Let’s just say he keeps a bucket, a bag, and a roll of tp in his trunk just in case! 😉
OMG – a bucket!! I am so praying that nothing like that EVER happens again. And my son is praying that if it does, that he is not with me this time!!
That is an awesomely terrible story. I love to hate it.
LOL Jill. I totally get that. I think I’m still recovering and sharing it is my therapy!
I have not unclenched since reading this! Holy poop horrors!
I haven’t unclenched either – and this happened last July!!
omg, I do remember that bathroom scene in White Chicks, hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh. Again.
I absolutely loved that movie and that scene was hilariousness!! As a matter of fact, my son said to me later that day that when he realized what was happening in the Subway, that’s the first thing he thought of. How’s that for a mother-son bonding moment?
OMGOSH that is just horrible and um..hilarious at the same time! I am SO like you in the “Home stool advantage”… I get so backed up when I can’t be at home to go!! BTW- your hubs ROCKS that saying!! SO glad you made it to the bathroom…I thought for SURE you were going to explode in the car.
I’m so glad I can laugh about it now because it was one of THE most humiliating experiences ever. The only thing that would have made it worse was if my son had a friend with us (which is usually the case). And if the “backfire” had occurred IN the car ~ I totally would have left it by the side of the road…..after I had my mommy bring me some wet wipes and a clean pair of pants!
CHRIS CARTER! Just today did my slow self realize you’re the genius behind The Mom Cafe!! I’ve been lurking around your blog for the past year–I don’t know how I didn’t put two and two together earlier. Well, I do. I’m exhausted and bad at math (get it? HA! Exhausted, remember?), but regardless–I feel like there is a celebrity among us! THANK YOU for reading and commenting!!!!
BAHAHAHAHAHA! I am really weird about public bathrooms, too! As in, I only go at home unless I really, really can’t hold it. I am so dreading the day I start toilet training my daughter. 🙁
Thanks for the laugh!!!
You are welcome! I kinda figured better to share with the world now than to wait until my teen decides to use this bit of info to blackmail some day!
From me to you: take a potty (or at least the seat part) EVERYWHERE.
Ladies, that’s why you need to have some peppermint oil or eucalyptus oil in your purses for those “public bathroom” visits. Two-to three drops in the bowl before you go and you’re um….good to go! You’re welcome.
You have changed my life!
Well, looky there. I just KNEW that this um, episode, would prove to be a learning experience. Thanks Vernette!!
Isn’t she the best?!
I don’t know if my first response went through because I sent it from my iPhone, but you have changed my life with this information, Vernette!! Now, tell me what drowns out the gross noises and I’m golden…
Bahahahahaha!!!!!
Must be a woman thing, because I too hate using public bathrooms unless I really, really have to. And was so reading this feeling your pain literally!!
Oh, it was painful in more ways than one. I wonder if I would have called Subway later in the day they would have told me they found my dignity!
Oh…my. You’ve helped to resurface my messiest fear. Thanks a lot.
Um, you’re welcome? I learned now to always have a back up plan. Wait, that sounds really gross!
Oh Penny. No words, my friend. No words. That is the best/worst story ever. To make you feel better, though, the same thing happened to me in college. My two rommates and I were driving home from a party and I suddenly realized I was going to be sick. No, not that kind of sick- I hadn’t been drinking. But something I ate just blew up in my gut and needed to be expelled IMMEDIATELY! Nothing was open on campus as it was crazy late so they pulled into a student lot and I sprinted to the bushes to, uh, take care of business. Seriously mortifying. Worse than a drunk colllege girl puking in the bushes. And “home stool advantage”? Best line ever I think our husbands would be good friends as well;)
V
Thank you for sharing in my pain. So glad that your friends didn’t drive off without you. Maybe having some T.P. in the car isn’t such a bad idea!!
Oh my I am so sorry, I am LOL’ing right now! I am so sorry this happened to you but I too, have had this happen and it is sooooooooo horrible……WOW!
You don’t know how much of a relief it is to know I’m not the only one leading the poop parade!!
Oh I feel your pain, this happened to me on Wednesday in Tesco. I was mortified. I’d only gone for a pee, too 🙁 I’ve never sprinted so quickly out of a toilet in my life before the two people in the next cubicles could come out identify me. I didn’t even wash my hands until I got home *shamefaced* My husband laughed, of course…