I started blogging so I didn’t stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork.
Let me start over.
I started blogging because, as a work-from-home-mom-of-two, I didn’t have time to take a crap in private.
Dammit. Trying this one more time.
I start blogging because I love to write.
There it is.
I love the feeling of pride and catharsis after hitting publish. I love getting comments and feedback from readers. I love that it is something I do just for me.
What I don’t love is that there are some real jerkfaces out there masquerading around, pretending to care about my writing. Yours, too. I didn’t coin the term, but it’s perfection: bloghole. According to Tara at You Know It Happens At Your House, Too, a bloghole is “someone that talks, tweets, and acts poorly in a blog.”
I don’t make a good bloghole because I can’t pretend to like something when I don’t. Once a gal commented on my blog and, out of courtesy, I checked her out. This chick’s blog was dedicated to the Mesozoic idea that women are on earth solely to please their men, suggesting that wives always wear make-up and look “dressed up” when our husbands come home from work. I’m sorry, but even 1952 thinks that’s ridonkulous.
Even though I’m a sucky one, there is hope for those aspiring blogholes out there. Here are some tips to help them become the very best blogholes they can be:
1. Seek out other bloggers’ Facebook pages, “like” them, and then leave an annoying message such as, “Liked you. Here’s my page.” You should always assume the other party is interested in you and excited to reciprocate.
2. Follow 23, 8893 people on Twitter. The second one of them follows you back, unfollow immediately. It’s *super* important to have your followers outnumber those you follow because it makes you closer to Jesus.
3. Participate in blog hops but not really. Link up for exposure, but don’t show any interest in the other writers. This is cut-throat. No need to play nice.
4. Stalk the Top 25 fill-in-the-blank bloggers. Within 17 minutes, leave a comment on every post they’ve ever written, and then tag them on Twitter like you’re BFFs.
5. Contact all of your favorite bloggers via e-mail and ask them to write for you. They would love to hand over their ideas for nothing in return. It’s not like they’re attached to their writing or anything.
6. Piggybacking off of #5, if you like another blogger’s post, feel free to reblog it without asking permission and/or giving it credit. Plagiarism only means something in a high school English classroom.
7. A legit bloghole doesn’t try to find writers with a purpose or style similar to his/her own. They are indiscriminately obnoxious.
8. When commenting on others’ blogs, find a way to work your own into it: “Loved this post! You really made me laugh. I bet I can make you laugh. Just give me the chance. Seriously, give me a chance. I’ll make you shart in your pants. Check me out at www.blogholemanners.com.”
9. Completely ignore the fact that there is a real person behind the computer. Judge every word, rip apart every post, and don’t rule out mother-effing them if they don’t respond to your Tweet, e-mail, Facebook message, and comment. We’re not in this to make friends.
10. If you don’t remember #1 – 9, remember this, the most important guideline to becoming a successful bloghole: write about anything that you believe will increase your readership and popularity. Staying true to yourself and finding your voice is completely overrated. Be a traitor to the truth. Be a sell-out. Be Elton John serenading the homo-hating Rush Limbaugh at his 2010 wedding. Whatever you do, don’t be you.
I have more stretch marks than I have Twitter followers, and if I cared any less, I would be my husband watching the Beyonce HBO special I forced upon him. But I sure hope that these guidelines prove useful to anyone who strives to be a big ol’ bloghole.
The first thing I thought when I saw this post was “Why is she still up?” Thanks for the late night LOL. Now back to cleaning!
It was a late night. It helps that we don’t have to work today. Well, unless you count cleaning an entire house for a showing. Good luck, pal!
Ok you totally made me freak out and think back to every blog thing I’ve done in the last 3 years. Am I a bloghole? Was I a bloghole? Have I been a bloghole? If this was high school would people write “for a good time with a bloghole call….” and insert my number? As much as I’d like to think I’m a blog-angel, I’m sure I’m guilty of doing some of these things. These are great things for all of us bloggers to think about! Thanks.
Vicky
Vicky, I’m not the foremost authority on Blogholes (although I like to pretend that I am!!), but you certainly don’t come to mind. You’re a genuine-commenting-kind-of-gal!
Should I reply to this and add my blog site, facebook page and twitter account as well as my home address and email? 🙂 Just kidding!
V
Hahaha! You’re too much 🙂
So true, so true. It’s like ethics goes out the door when your face is hidden behind a computer screen. Although I do have to admit that I need to watch myself on a one or two of these to make sure I don’t give into the get-ahead-in-blogging temptations that seem to regularly rear their little heads. Great post!
Try teaching online–I swear social skills are a thing of the past!
I’m a total bloghole. *walks away hanging head in shame*
Hahaha!! Admitting it is half the battle. I think G.I. Joe said that.
I loved this. I know more blogholes than I should!! Thanks for sharing. Still cracking up over the follow back requests and the “will do anything for followers” mentality. Awesome post!
Thanks for reading, AbsoluteMommy!
Awesome. “You should check out my blog post where I wrote about the same thing but better…” Ugh… Worst.
Great list, bloghole is my new fav word!
I just learned the word a few weeks ago, and as I’ve been coming in contact with more blogholes, I thought it only fair to call them out 🙂 Thanks so much for reading!
Who ordered the bad ass? Reading this pumped me up and now I want to yell at some jerks, but the kids are sleeping and my husband was quite pleasant all day so I guess I’m s.o.l. A fine lesson in decency, applicable to blogging and elsewhere. Right on.
“Who ordered the bad ass?” You’re my favorite, Carisa.
Don’t wake the kids, but let me know when you’re ready to yell at some jerks. I’m in.
See this is why I follow your blog. Brilliant! Will be very careful to avoid being a b-hole in future. Keep saying it like it is and back away from the rusty forks!
You’re swell, Afra! And don’t worry; I put the rusty forks away once I started writing. Whew!
Yep! There’s one or ten in every bunch. 😉 Thanks for the morning chuckle. Hope you had an awesome weekend!
Thanks for reading! It’s always a pleasure to see your face in the comments 🙂
If there are people who do this on blogs….what are they like in real life??? I bet they are the same people I have been cornered by in public restrooms trying to give me advice about my kids or worse while I’m actually in a stall going to the bathroom!
SHUT UP! Seriously, whatever happened to social graces and common sense?! If nothing else, these “real life” people have taught me how NOT to treat others and how NOT to raise my kids. Weirdos. 🙂
Just like Vicky I was thought…hmmm have I committed any of these? Gawd I hope not. SO GAUCHE!! But I so needed this laugh this morning. Thanks much for making me choke on my coffee.
Oh and since you’ve parted ways with WordPress, the refreshing honest-to-goodness badass undercurrent I’ve come to love in your writing is now a full blown tsunami! I LOVE IT! Keep it up.
Vernette, you could NEVER be a bloghole. EVER!
Ooooh I’m a tsunami bad ass?! I can’t wait to tell my friends! 😉
LOL. Also raises an interesting question: does one blog for other bloggers? I know I don’t. I don’t think you do either. 🙂
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Especially after my Scary Mommy post. Am I a hypocrite because I “gave away” my writing? Or am I the very essence of a bloghole because I knew writing for Jill would gain my little blog some attention? There are definitely other bloggers out there for whom I would honored to write, but these are also people I respect and share a common sense of humor or vision, ya know? I’m rambling now. No more wine with dinner…
Great question, one I’ve been wondering about myself. From what I’ve been hearing at some conferences lately, the conventional wisdom is that bloggers blog for other bloggers because that is where the interactive community comes in. Personally, this surprised and bummed me out a little because I set out to write for women in general and hoped to be there when the rest of the world gets online.
I love the interactive nature of what we do; that’s one of my favorite things about blogging! I just don’t like how some peeps are incredibly impersonal about it. Our writing and ideas are extensions of what we do and who we are, and that’s pretty important!
Awesome post! I loved it! You are so funny! We have SO much in common! I liked your Facebook page and I’m just about to add you on Twitter! I hope you’ll do the same! Don’t forget to read my blog! xoxoxoxo
(Hilarious post, as always. I’ve had to stop participating in link-ups because I don’t have the time to follow the rules properly and I’m always worried the blogosphere will end up hating me! 😉 I’m probably a bloghole, but at least I’m getting better at it. Ha!)
Bahahahaha!! I actually try participating in link-ups, follow the rules, and never hear from anyone else. Pity party at my place at 8pm.
Excellent tips! Thanks so much for all the useful stuff 😉 Also, now panicking over blogging blunders I have committed–esp. when I was new at this. Forgive me!
Meredith! I’m the last person to give any blogging advice; I barely know what I’m doing! I just think the term is hilarious and I actually do know people who do these things. You’ve earned your place, woman, you’ve nothing to be sorry for!!
Can’t we all just get along? I’m almost afraid to comment for fear of a blogging bitch slap 😉
🙂 🙂 You never have to be afraid here; that’s what I love most about us: we’re very different in some aspects yet we’ve remained friends all these years. I think that makes us superheroes in Woman Land.
LOL. That was good Stephanie. It’s true – blog etiquette is an art form that lots of people don’t have.
I think common sense and general kindness go out the door when a person is behind his/her computer. P.S. the day just totally got away from me; I may still try to bother you this evening if that’s okay! If not, let your phone go to voicemail 😉
Oh my! I hope to never ever become a bloghole! : )
Great tips. I never notice (or even care) when someone follows or unfollows me on twitter. I should pay more attention to that I guess.
I never notice either! But I have friends who track their numbers like a hound dog picking up a scent. Everyone should just simmer down! (Thanks for reading!)
I just shart in my pants laughing.
Excellent, although slightly worrying as I may be guilty of some of those things. I think. I’m not sure now.
Good to see you are still blogging strong (she wrote, grammatically) lol
I’m so afraid I’ve offended some with this post! Let me rephrase: I’m afraid I’ve offended people whose opinion I actually CARE about! There’s definitely a difference between being a friendly blogger who works hard to get more eyes on her work than a bloghole who steps on everyone’s faces to climb the social ladder. Seriously, who unfollows people on Twitter to make their numbers look more impressive?! (Please tell me you don’t!)
Great post and love the term bloghole. I’m sure I’ve innocently blundered along the way. If you want to experience true “follow me I follow back” hell, try being a part of the Style/Fashion blogging community populated with 21 year old wanna be Anna Wintours . My content intersects a little in that space and the fool I am, I actually gave them the thoughtful feedback they asked claimed to want. To no end. Then I called them out on it. Then I got the same spam back. But what they’re missing is that # of followers doesn’t equal true engagement if that’s how you get your traffic.
Becca
HA! Apparently they didn’t really want to hear your input; they wanted pats on the back and for you to tell them how amazing they are 😉
LOL I love this! Have to say, I haven’t had much experience with most of the items, except 1-2 and my brief experiment with bloggers.com. Although I did find one good blog friend on there, it was mostly a bunch of blogholes. And thank you for the new terminology!
I haven’t experienced many blogholes first-hand; I just watch them as they do their thing and shake my head.
“I love the feeling of pride and catharsis after hitting publish. I love getting comments and feedback from readers.” I could not say this any better.
Why thank you, kind sir 😉
BLOGHOLE!! I love the word!
Excellent post, now I just need to send it to some blogholes 🙂
I truly, truly, hate the Facebook, “I liked you, now come like me” thing, and the leaving of links in my comment section. I have CommentLuv, I want to shout! Desperate, much?
Now, off to reflect on my past behaviors to ensure that I was not a blogholic……
I didn’t coin the term, but it is pretty fabulous, isn’t it?! 🙂
Preach it sister! Another favorite is the blogger who NEVER replies to any comments left on her blog. Just turn your daggum commenting off for the love of cupcakes!!! Okay, I feel better. So glad there are others who see the nastiness going on in the blogosphere!
RIGHT?! I mean, we wouldn’t exist in this world of blogging if it weren’t for each other. I understand some have just grown too big for their britches and can’t possibly respond to everyone, though. I am not among those bloggers. 😉