When Jacoba, fellow Familes in the Looper, originally published this story on her blog, I went straight to her house, pounded on her kitchen window, and pleaded with her to Overshare it here with you. Right, so what really happened was I just emailed her, but if she lived near me, I would have taken the more dramatic route and gone to her house. On a completely unrelated note, have you ever wondered what people must think when they stumble upon my blog on Oversharing days? “When Tampons Go Missing;” “Naked at the YMCA;” “The Day I Had Balls.”
Aaaaaanyway, the lovely Jacoba might have gonorrhea. But I’ll let her explain.
Back when I was a mass of dividing cells in my mother’s womb, I somehow managed to draw the “Dorky Medical Affliction” card. In case you’re unaware (because you’re the douchebag who drew the “Perfectly Sculpted Abs” card), my stupid card is a freaking circus to have in my hand. When life throws appendicitis at me, my DMA card ups the ante by slapping me with the inability to pee for an extra four days…for no reason other than to entertain the doctors who consult with laughing geriatric specialists because no one under 90 ever gets urinary retention. When my doctor feels cysts on my ovaries and calls me in for an ultrasound, my DMA card suddenly laughs in my face when the ultrasound tech discovers the “cysts” are poop. Yes, poop. From eating massive amounts of sushi at a buffet two days earlier.
So when my arm suddenly went numb while driving, was I necessarily surprised? Nope. No more than when the next morning I got out of bed and collapsed on the floor in groin pain. Or when, later that afternoon, my ankle swelled, turned a mottled purple-pink, and felt like one bajillion snake fangs were administering an IV venom straight into my bone marrow.
ME, typing: Numb arm, kicked in the imaginary cojones pain, old man gout ankle.
WebMD: You are dying.
ME: I knew it!
WebMD: Or you have gout.
ME: That would be so nerdy. Figures.
WebMD: Or you have a blood clot.
ME: Ooo, I like that one! Let’s go with that one!
In the doctor’s office.
DOCTOR: WOW. Your ankle is…quite large…and purple. You say it’s painful?
ME: Yes. I think I have a blood clot.
DOCTOR: Hahaha! No my dear. I think it might be gout. Let’s do some blood work today and we’ll look at it again tomorrow.
The next day.
DOCTOR: It’s looking a little worse today, huh? Well, it’s not gout.
ME: I think it’s a blood clot.
DOCTOR: Um, NO. I’d like to test for Lyme Disease. And lead poisoning.
The next day.
DOCTOR: Okay, I’ve talked with some colleagues and I’m pretty sure I know what it is.
ME: A blood clot?
DOCTOR: NO. Not a blood clot. I’m just sorry I didn’t recognize it right away – I don’t see it too often.
ME, now scared: ….yes?…
DOCTOR: Well, I don’t know how to say this…
DOCTOR: I’m about 98% certain you have…
DOCTOR: …Well, you have gonorrhea.
ME, stupefied: …!!!!!…
DOCTOR, uncomfortable: ….
ME: GONORRHEA? Like, The Clap??
DOCTOR: Yes. I’m fairly certain.
ME: But WebMD didn’t say anything like that!! GONORRHEA??
DOCTOR: Other than your husband, have you had…relations…with anyone else?
ME: NO!! See? I think it’s a blood clot – there’s no way I could have gotten it.
DOCTOR: Unless your husband…
ME: hahahaha! NO. hahahaha!
DOCTOR: I’m serious. It must be your husband. You need to talk to him.
DOCTOR, looking at me pointedly: ……
ME: There is no way.
DOCTOR, her look turning to pity: …….
ME: I mean, I’m fairly certain. He would never… right?…
And THAT’S how you end up having an uncomfortable conversation with your husband (who may or may not get really angry that you’re questioning his fidelity…and then who turns around and starts wondering why you have gonorrhea since he obviously wasn’t the one to cheat).
That’s also how you end up explaining to curious (and maybe unbelieving) family and friends that you must have contracted gonorrhea from sitting in some STD-ridden tube while floating down an STD-infested river the weekend before.
That’s also how you end up thinking you maybe should have brought a towel to sit on while reclining on a good friend’s couch because you can tell she’s super uncomfortable that you might be leaving weird hoo-ha germs all over her furniture (but she’s way too nice to do anything other than lightly joke about it).
And then, when the long-awaited gonorrhea test comes back NEGATIVE, and you go to the real hospital, and you get an ultrasound to check out your veins, and then you go to a specialist who diagnoses you WITH A BLOOD CLOT…
…well, the only thing people tend to remember is that you had a gonorrhea foot.
And actually had the nerve to question your husband’s fidelity.
And tried to blame an STD on a gross river tube.
And then probably contaminated your friend’s couch.
They don’t remember that you and WebMD were smarter than your doctor and that you actually never had gonorrhea in the first place. Stupid DMA card.
Mama G says
Oh. My. God. I am dying here. I just woke Mr G up laughing. He won’t mind, he will laugh too! Wonderful overshare 🙂
Haha! Thank you! Be careful – WebMD may have something to say about the ill effects of lack of sleep in Mr. G. 😉
Mackenzie @ Raising Wild Things says
This was hilarious! Can’t wait to check out more of Jacob as writing!
I’m afraid it all goes downhill from here. But thanks, Mackenzie!
OMG. Laughing so hard. My toddler is questioning me. Not sure how to explain this laughter. Love it! We should be friends! Seriously! I’m a total hypochondriac and love to diagnose other people’s illnesses. I’m usually right. Promise I won’t charge a copay!!!
We should start our own practice. I once diagnosed someone’s (NOT MINE) pilonidal cyst (p.s. don’t google image that one) and I once had to print off a research paper with illustrations to convince my pediatrician that my daughter had torticollis. FREE WEBMD DIAGNOSES FOR THE MASSES!
OMG I diagnosed my daughter with viral torticollis and I ended up being correct. We totally need to be non-MD partners! Free my behind! We’re going to make a FORTUNE!!!!
Sara from Curious Little Kid says
Oh my goodness, you’re a trooper Jacoba!
I <3 self-diagnosing on WebMD! 🙂
My husband would classify me more “weirdo” than “trooper,” but I’ll take it! 🙂 Thanks, Sara!
The Shitastrophy says
Gonorrhea in your foot? That’s a new one! Wow that is hysterical, not the Gonorrhea but the story. Glad you didn’t have a STD – just a life threatening blood clot. No biggie right?
Tricia @ To Each Her Own Blog says
This is my favorite Oversharing yet! But, I gotta be honest. Now I think WebMD is accurate, so I must have cancer.
You and me both, sister. I also have anemia and a growth on my ribcage, but no one believes me. Except WebMD. WebMD always has my back. (My back with skin cancerous moles, that is.)
Absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long time!
Ha! I aim to please. Thank you!
I died. I’m dead. And also the bitch contaiminated my couch because I whizzed all over it. What’s her house address again?
I say we sue my (ex)doctor – me for five visits worth of copays and you for a pee-laughter couch. Completely legit.
Stephanie Jankowski says
Jacoba, thanks so much for Oversharing with us! Your story was a big hit! Here’s to you and your Gonorrhea foot!!! 🙂
For sure! Thanks for having me and my gonorrhea foot! 🙂 You’re the best!!
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 says
I loved it! Who knew that WebMD could actually get something right?
This is hilarious – although I do hope your blood clot issue has been taken care of.
I would have advised you NOT to look at WebMD so you didn’t scare yourself, but in this case you were right to do so!
The good thing is that by the time it was diagnosed, it had started to unclot (dissipate? break down? go away? …whatever the term would be…<–evidence I probably shouldn't be relying on WebMD) on its own. Supposedly it was a fluke. Go figure.
Jen--Real Life Parenting says
Oh, Jacoba. I love you and your blood clot gonorrhea. This will be something that I share … at our next family gathering … during dinner. Because that would be my style!! 😀
I like your style. Why aren’t there more like us?? 🙂
OMG, this is freaking BEAUTIFUL. I can’t stop laughing. All they remember is that you had a gonorrhea foot…hilarious!! And seriously, I hate to admit it, but as I was reading, I was thinking, “No way. She didn’t get it from a tube. Her husband is totally a cheater.” I’m SORRY!! I should have believed in you from the start!! 🙂
Haha! Thank you! And no worries – you were in good company. I have a feeling a few of my friends were on your team until I was proved myself a diagnosing GENIUS.
Dani Ryan says
SHUT. UP. Are you SERIOUS?! OMG!!!! Glad you are okay???
This is very funny! Even more funny is it’s a true story! Loved it.
This is the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life hands down!! OMG!! Priceless! The thing that makes it so crazy is that is was a blot clot all along! Never bet against WebMD! LOL!
Mom Rants and Comfy Pants says
Gonorrhea foot??? Bahahahahahaha….OMG. And btw, I have the same damn card!!
Christina Ryan says
Yeah , Its really funny . This is the first time I come accross this term GONORRHEA . I just want to know that is this disease is realed to Urinary Incontinence or anything else.
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