Where Are They Now? Toddler Version.


Ever watch the VH1 show, Where Are They Now? It’s about what yesterday’s celebrity is doing today.

For example, Vanilla Ice twenty years ago? Rapping. Or trying to.

Alright stop, collaborate, and listen...

Alright stop, collaborate, and listen…



Today? Trying to infiltrate HGTV with his house-flipping street cred.

Yeeeeeeah boi!

Yeeeeeeah boi!


I like Where Are They Now? because it usually makes me feel better about myself. Sure, if there were an episode dedicated to my boobs, it would be like, “Where are they now? A little further south, and sad.” Generally speaking, my life is uneventful.

But at least I didn’t go bankrupt (MC Hammer) or shave my head in public and then show everyone my special no-no parts (Britney Spears). Nor did I go balls to the walls crazy, insert-your-celeb-of-choice-here.

Now, if we were to feature my daughter in a spin-off version titled Seriously, Where the Hell is My Child?, things would get a bit more dicey in my house. Call it inept parenting or normal toddler behavior, but I just can’t keep track of my wily 2 year-old.

The other day, I was in a meeting (read: sitting in my home office folding laundry while listening to a presentation about something I’ve been taught to do 234234 times), when I realized my mini-me was…gone. I called for her a few times. Nothin’. I asked my son to check a few of her favorite spots (the refrigerator). Nothin’. Finally, I marked myself “away” from the meeting and started the search.

Usually, she giggles like a maniac when we’re on the hunt for her because, while I’m having heart palpitations, she’s having a helluva good time.

No giggles.

I start to sweat.

No answer to my “Do you want some chocolate pudding?!” calls.

I start to curse.

Seriously, Where the Hell is My Child?

Then, silently, she emerges from the bathroom. The bathroom that houses the toilet that she refuses to use, but views as a perfectly acceptable receptacle for crayons, towels, and, of course, her hands.


So far today when I’ve thought Seriously, Where the Hell is My Child?, she turned up in the pantry. On top of the dining room table. Trying to tie her blankie around the dog’s neck because “doggie need a cape.” And finally, trying to ride the caped pup because toddlers are insane.

I think VH1 would totally get with my idea to feature tired parents misplacing their kids, don’t you????

Please don’t call CYS on me. I’ll put the kid on a leash and we can forget this ever happened.


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  1. And then those eyes, looking at you in complete confusion saying, “Why were you worried? I knew where I was.”

    Ahh, independence…

  2. HAHAHA! My daughter (almost 2) tries to ride the dog (black lab) daily, albeit unsuccessfully! ;)

  3. I played that game with my sister when we were little. My mom found us in our room. I had her wedged between the wall and the dresser and I was giving her bangs a trim. Mom had to leave the room to laugh and then came back to scold me. It’s a story that still lives on in our family–and I’m 40!!

  4. Oh, lawd. Kids and toilets and dogs and capes and pantries. I’m just glad our dog is far too tall for the kids to ride. I’ll bet he is, too. I hope your basement door is closed today.

  5. Jumpin' Jack Flash says:

    Horrible feeling in the bottom of your stomach when they can’t be located. Worst feeling ever.

  6. Sooooo many fun places to hide! And the toilet? It’s like a wonderland for toddlers!!

  7. I shouldn’t be laughing but I am. I laughing because oh yeah that’s right my 2yo does the same thing. I think VH1 will be calling you any day now. :)

  8. I love this because I understand it.
    Although PS- I can’t tell if you are worried you can’t find her because you are fearing her safety or if it is because you know silence is suspect. For me, it is nearly always the latter. In fact, if this were to be a VH1 show I would totally be on it as the lazy mom, barely dressed in jeans and a ragged thsirt, drinking a glass of wine, while the children run ape. Because silence is always always bad in my house. I’d be GOOD TV.

  9. Doggie DOES need a cape! DUH! Your daughter is my kind of girl! Fantastic!! :D –Lisa

  10. BAHAHAHAHA! It’s amazing where these kids hide, isn’t it?? I particularly love that she hides in the fridge!!!!

  11. This is so funny and I can so relate. Except, I win. A couple of years ago, my best friend and I took all four of our kids to Walmart (first mistake). As we are cracking each other up as we tend to do, and walking through the frozen foods we realize we are missing the boys. The girls (older sisters) chose that particular moment not to mother/boss their little brothers around. It probably only took us five minutes to find them swinging off the treadmills in the sporting goods section, but it was the longest five minutes of our lives. It was also a great excuse to hurry home and open a bottle of wine even if it was only 10:30 am on a Tuesday. ;-)

  12. Ah, the ole Where is my toddler now days!! Remember them well. My daughter was really the master of this and I never knew where the heck I was going to find her!! Many a gray hair are because of her and her gift for hiding! Lol! Thanks for the giggle!! :)

  13. Well, come on, who WOULDN’T want to ride a caped dog?

  14. My daughter disappears in places like Baby Gap and Gymboree. I can always find her at the shoe racks. Seriously. So cliche. :)

  15. SO MUCH. I have a 3 yr old and an almost 2 year old. Sometimes we live in a gated community, because I tire of cleaning up their messes, and especially FINDING and then DISINFECTING our toothbrushes, after they play with them and drop them behind (and once IN) the toilet. Toothbrushes aren’t expensive unless you need a new one every day for months.

  16. Oh darn! I was hoping that you were gonna say she actually used the potty. That would have been a treat, huh!?

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