What I Really Wanted To Say Was…

Some of us don’t have filters, which is to say we speak the words others only think. I guess I fall under the “semi-filter” category because I definitely shoot off some random crap, but I have just enough restraint to remain employed.

Lately, though, I’ve been tempted to go all Larry David on some people and really say what’s on my mind, but because social norms and a hint of professionalism frown upon my being unabashedly honest, I’ve had to bite my tongue.

But, oh, the things I wanted to say. The things I needed to say!


It started with a super rude e-mail from a student. She was accusing me of “wasting her time” because she couldn’t access the link to my virtual office. (For those of you who don’t know, I’m an online teacher, thus my office is a mixture of Skype and Instant Messenger). It went something like this:

Student: Were you in Office Hours last night?

Me: I couldn’t access the link. I guess there have been problems all week. Did you have trouble with it, too?

Student: WOW! That would have been great to know. I stayed up just to go to office hours. Why didn’t you tell me?! (Yes, she used the question mark AND exclamation point).

Me: Had I known about the broken link, I would have posted an announcement letting everyone know. I didn’t find out until I tried to log in, which was at the same time as you. I apologize for any inconvenience; however, I do not appreciate the rude tone in your message.

What I should have said was, “First of all, if you’re going to bed at the same time I hold office hours, that means you’re going to bed at 7pm; ipso facto, you’re a loser. Second of all, you were dumb enough to turn in your friend’s already-plagiarized essay and actually forgot to change the name on the title page, so we’re going to want to focus on a realistic future for you. McDonalds is always busy during their Shamrock Shake season. Good luck to you.”

I then got a chance to work with Adam and Eve, “the world’s biggest supplier of adult toys and merchandise,” or whatever. I was hoping test drive a little somethin’ somethin’ (check them out here and you’ll know what I’m talkin’ about); alas my dreams were dashed. I should have insisted they at least throw in a FingO Nubby.

And this morning, I get an e-mail from Babycenter, informing me that I have a 22 month-old. Yeah, I know, my baby is a toddler and my toddler is a preschooler and my uterus is sad. I can do without the weekly reminders. And don’t tell me I can just unsubscribe to their e-mails. I shouldn’t have to unsubscribe!! These so-called professional parenting websites should know that after the kid’s first birthday, the only crap I need updates on are how to finally lose the baby weight, crockpot recipes, or Groupons for wine. Or a FingO Nubby.

And finally, I went to grab a case of beer to ring in Daylight Savings Time, otherwise known as Your Kids’ Sleeping Will Suck Even Worse for the Next Month, So You Might As Well Be Drunk. The beer guy didn’t have my standby, Blue Moon, and suggested the following:


How would you pronounce that? Take a minute. Think about it. Say it aloud.

REDds, right? Like the color RED. Like Little RED Riding Hood. Like I’m so angry I’m seeing RED. Well, if you’re the moron beer guy, you pronounce it “Reeding.” UNREAL. If second grade reading skills couldn’t help him with the pronunciation, you would think the big ass RED apple could have been a clue. But nooooo. “Reeding.” I couldn’t do it. I left. But before I left, I should have corrected him, as to spare him the inevitable embarrassment when someone else finally does call him on it. Instead, I just shook my head and prayed dude would never spawn a kid.

What did you want to say this weekend that you just couldn’t? Or even better–what DID you say that was awesome?


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  1. Jumpin' Jack Flash says:

    As I proctored the SAT’s yesterday, I was laying all of the ground rules out for them. A major point of emphasis was the ONLY things allowed on the desk other than the test itself are pencils, erasers, and a calculator. I just got done with this big speech that included “no scratch paper allowed…you must do all scratch work inside the test booklet.” 4 seconds after I finished, a girl raises her hand and says, “can I have a piece of scratch paper please?” I wanted to say, “Just leave. Get up, walk out, and ask for a refund. Don’t waste your time. You fucking idiot. Just focus on your next layer of make-up or picking out the next whore outfit that you took such pride in selecting for this fine exam.” However, I simply said, “no.”

  2. I think it’s awesome how students often feel we are to blame for all things in their lives. And most importantly, we should fix everything that doesn’t work for them. Funny, my kids often have this same attitude. The only think you should fix for that student is her misconception that it’s a good idea to piss off the person who grades your work. As for Baby Center- just wait til the day you get the email that says you will no longer get emails from them because your kid is too old. It’s like someone sending you your dried up uterus in your inbox.

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