The Momobile: Mini-bar Comes Standard

What’s shakin’ party people? I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s post from the incomparable Paige Kellerman as much as I did. I could read that gal all. day. long. And she makes it look so easy! One talented Mama right there.

Another lovely lady, Sarah from The Sadder But Wiser Girl, was in a bind this week, so a few of us helped her out by writing guest posts. Mine is an unusual departure from my normal silliness; it’s a mini-rant about education. Why mini? I didn’t want to frighten her readers. You guys are used to my crazy. You can check it out HERE.

Aaaaaand I stumbled across a hilarious new blog, The Official How To Blog. That link will take you to the About page, and I promise that you won’t be disappointed. You’ll also learn a whole bunch of new stuff, like how to read 50 Shades of Gray. I begged the woman behind the funny to let me contribute something and she was intimidated by my stature kind enough to relent. My previously published How to be a Bloghole is up there today. How fun!

I really do have a post for you today. Today’s tale is a direct result of my evening at the salon. You see, I have enough hair to blanket a small island in the Caribbean and thanks to my mother, it’s a shade of listless brown that resembles something you find in the toilet. As such, I highlight it. It takes FOREVER because it’s long and thick. I was there for 3 hours last night, in glorious pamper-me mode. My stylist cracks me up which makes the appointments even better. Wait, I think when she offered me wine, that’s what made it even better, but that’s not the point.

The point of this rambling is that when she told me a friend of hers hit the lottery for $1,000 a week for life (FOR LIFE!), we started musing about what we would do with the money…

Stylist: A rockin’ vacation every year! Play money! Pay off debts! Buy the car of my dreams!

Me: YES! One of those mini-vans with the automatic sliding doors, folding second row seating, and an entertainment center in the back for the kids!!!!!

Stylist: ………………

It’s not like I don’t know how lame I am. But the fact is, I’m a proud lame-o who spends an inordinate amount of time in my car, and I’m here to share my design of the perfect Momobile. Scoff if you must, but when Chrysler comes a’knock’in and wants to buy my design, I promise to share a portion of my fame and fortune with those who were supportive.**

** I am lying. You get nothing.


The following features are available in WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion’s Momobile:

1. ALL doors will automatically open and close, but at different speeds. The standard slow-as-my-Grandma speed is a safety feature; however, if a Mama is pissed, there is a slam-that-shit function available.

2. The second row seats fold to make more room…and reveal a mini-bar stocked with juice boxes, fruit snacks, and vodka. Disclaimer: the vodka is for the driver, but not whilst she is driving. Duh.

3. A surround-sound audio and video system that simultaneously pumps out the kids tunes (my son is currently obsessed with The Rolling Stones’ album Exile on Main Street. I know.) and Mama’s music: Justin Timberlake. Okay, don’t judge. Put in whatever CD you want, hater.

4. Forget your umbrella? An extra diaper? Sippy cup? Have no fear: much like a hotel’s “Did you forget your toothbrush service,” this Momobile comes equipped with a glove box stuffed full of Mommy Essentials including diaper bag items, a fresh mascara, and breath mints.

5. Worried about gas mileage? Pollution? Don’t be. The Momobile runs on dirty diapers. Unlike your Diaper Genie, this system never needs refills, nor does the stench punch you in the face when you open the canister. The Momobile offers a seal that contains the stink, and an easy to maneuver lever that makes tossing out and filling up a cinch.

6. The review mirror doubles as a magnifying glass. What else is there to do but pluck during those 7-hour soccer tournaments?

7. The Bluetooth does not interrupt the music, unless it’s the kids’ music. Rather than cutting you off during your rendition of Sexy Back, the Bluetooth function lights up on the dash, flashes the person’s name and number, and gives you the option to ignore or answer. It also kindly informs the caller that you are harmonizing and should not be bothered.

8. The trunk/hatch/liftgate doubles as an extendable roof. Baseball games are played in the rain, and I’m done sweating my balls off sitting in the driver’s seat dying a slow carbon monoxide death.

9. There is always WiFi access in the Momobile. Always.

10. Much like Siri, only smarter, the Momobile comes standard with Yes Ma’am. Yes Ma’am will never tell a mother no, regardless of what is asked:

Add milk to my grocery list.

Yes, Ma’am!

Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves.

Yes, Ma’am!

Does it look like I lost weight in my neck?

Yes, Ma’am!

The best part about this feature? Moms can customize the voice. George Clooney telling you yes? No problem. Adam Levine assuring you? Sure! Bradley Cooper’s fine ass agreeing with you? Oh yeeeeeeeah.

What other features would you add, Mamas?!


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  1. Gotta have a built-in chair massager. It’s the 2013 version of those old wooden beads that my grandfather used to have hanging on his driver’s seat!

  2. OMG, you had me at George Clooney! I need one of these machines. STAT!!!!!

  3. HILARIOUS!!! I would add 2 more things:
    1. A feature where the stroller automatically pops out of the back and is unfolded and ready to go so that I don’t nearly break a finger every time I maneuver the thing out of the car.
    2. Some sort of robotic action that straps and snaps the kids into their car seat. Again, to save my fingers. :)

    • Vicki, I pledge to share whatever cash-money comes my way for these incredible additions. Self-buckling mechanisms?! You’re a talented designer, lady.


  4. Sigh…it sounds like a dream come true! Runs on dirty diapers…ha ha! And I had to giggle when you described your hair color as resembling something in the toilet. You crack me up. And also, your stylist: …..
    You are one funny lady, and wow, mama, you’ve been busy this week! Go you!

  5. I totally want that “slam that shit” feature!! For reals!

    And it’s self cleaning right? And always smells good? I’m really tired of smelling God knows what back there in the “kid section” and if it would save me from smelling “sweaty 14 year old boys” even while they are IN the car, that would be great too!!

    How funny is it that your first tag is Adam Levine. Mmm, mmm, mmm!!

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

    • Self-cleaning, yes!!!!! How could I forget that feature? This is why I need you in my life, Penny! That and to quote Macklemore quotes on my Facebook page :) :)

  6. You’re forgetting one thing for your awesome and emotionally cathartic doors: they must each open for one specific kid so your kids will be forced to enter from different doors and not fight, pull hair, bite or trample one another to get in the same freaking door all the time.

    • YES! I want ALL of the doors to open for this very reason! And if we’re ever running from a rabid bear or something, we’ll all be able to get in at the same time. I’m a thinker…

  7. jumpin'jack flash says:

    Automatic car seat strapping and ejecting. No more strapping kids in and unstrapping kids to get out. All automatic. You just say “strap now” and “remove straps now.”

  8. jumpin'jack flash says:

    Also, I would like Sean Connery’s voice to be featured. An automated greeting each time the car is turned on….”Schmile, it’s Shunny and warm outshide”

  9. haha!! Love this! Can mine have one of those glass windows separating the drivers area and passenger area like in a police car and have it be soundproof?

  10. I don’t have kids but this mom-mobile still sounds awesome. I’ve always liked minivans since I was a kid, even though I know they’re not fashionable (yet).

    Congrats on all your guest posts. You’re really getting around. ;)

    • You’ve always liked minivans?! I never thought I would hear ANYONE say that :) By the time you have your little ones, I’ll have designed the perfect van for you, Jill; it’ll come with surround speakers so you can listen to your Improv podcasts and everything!

  11. I want mine to come with a driver. I don’t want to keep the vodka waiting.

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  1. […] I also wrote a silly piece on the perfect Momobile HERE. […]

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