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You ever pay attention to the search terms that result in people stumbling aimlessly upon your blog? I really haven’t given them much thought…until today:

How to establish yourself as a rapper.

Finally, Kanye West is reaching out for help! It’s his lucky day because I wrote a post about writing a rap song a few months back. HERE, Kanye. Enjoy.

I was curious to see what else people are smacking off of their keyboards to inadvertently find me. Here are a few of the weirdest all-time search terms in no particular order of weirdness:

1. Eyebrow lady. I know I talk about my eyebrows a lot, but you don’t understand what it takes to keep them under control. They grow together, up, down, and out. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would pay someone to keep those sons of bitches in their seats for good.

2. I want to be size happy. This one was nice. But it made me wonder if the lost soul found THIS post I wrote after having my son almost four years ago. Warning: if you’re not already aware of the ridiculous ways your life (and body…) will change after birthing someone, don’t read this. Just go to Starbucks with your People magazine and do you.

3. One year old little boys just wearing diapers while dad rubs his privates between his legs. I’m not even commenting on this one.

4. Spanks. I’m pretty sure this person was looking for Spanx-related information. Otherwise, sorry to disappoint!

5. Crazy bloggers. Now this person has found the right place. Welcome!

6. Mom puts kid in scissorhold. I vaguely remember writing about this, but I’m too lazy to look for it. Please note that I only do this when cutting my kids’ fingernails or using that booger-sucking contraption. Don’t judge.

7. Solo touch sex with babysitter. Note to self: only let the grandparents babysit. Dani Ryan, if you’re reading this, STOP!

Did I tell you that my goal is to put my March Madness (I’ve since renamed NaBloPoMo because it hurts my head to remember that) down in 15-minutes or less? It’s like I’m back in high school doing a timed writing. I’m such a dork that it actually excites me.

Until tomorrow, pals! Happy Saturday!

Howdy, pals!

The migration from WordPress is complete, despite my still needing to redecorate the place. As an extra special thank you for putting up the clutter (or lack thereof–where is all my stuff?!) AND, of course, tuning in, I’m giving you a sneak preview of the post that will soon be featured on Scary Mommy! I haven’t decided on a title yet–wanna help?! I’m thinking “Caillou: Unsung Hero?” but if you come up with something better, I’ll give you and your blog props on Scary Mommy. I’ll send a virtual hug your way, too. *wink*

In the meantime, I’ll be fancying things up. Here’s to progress!

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For those of you not yet familiar with the mind-numbing Sprout television show Caillou, quit bragging you lucky a-holes. My daughter can barely put a sentence together, but she can screech “MORE CAILLOU!” at volume 60 in three different languages. Even though this Canadian toddler is the epitome of aggravation with his whiny voice, obnoxious giggle, and incessant pouting, I think we as parents are failing to acknowledge the power that is Caillou. On the surface, the show appears to glorify a spoiled brat and his Ginger sister, but peel back the layers with me, dear readers, and uncover the invaluable life lessons within.

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Drugs Are Bad Constant snacking and a lesson in tie-dying? Someone’s been taking hits from the bong and it’s Caillou’s Grandma. This pothead Granny illustrates the negative influence of drugs through her overzealous narration (CAILLOU WAS FEELING VERY FRUSTRATED! WEEEEE!!!!) and by allowing wild birds to peck at her in the park. Just say no, kids.

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Accessorizing the Home Caillou’s house is an acid trip gone wrong (and, I think, to blame for his childhood baldness). With a daily dosage of Caillou, kids are sure to opt for home décor that is both aesthetically pleasing and soothing to the soul. Accessorizing rule of thumb: when in doubt, choose earth tones over a-rainbow-took-a-shit-in-the-playroom tones.

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Stay in School Poor Ms. Martin. If she wanted to be a real teacher, she should have taken college a little more seriously. Now she’s stuck working as a glorified babysitter, taking Caillou and crew on nature walks to find pine cones and raccoon crap. She deserves it for wearing overalls after 1985.

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The Dangers of Child Luring With creepy neighbor Mr. Hinkle as Exhibit A, young children will learn to recognize the signs of child luring and pedophilia. “No, Mr. Hinkle, we do not want to visit your ‘sister’s farm’ and ‘milk some cows.’” Perv.

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Affordable Health Care Mommy rarely loses her shit on her demon spawn; in fact, she’s usually humming to herself or peacefully reading on the couch while her kids play in the street. Caillou teaches children the direct correlation between accessibility to Prozac and successful parenting.

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Equality Caillou’s pals hail from wide-ranging backgrounds which acclimates his young audience to different races and religions. And nothin’ screams genuine ethnic diversity like a black kid playing the tuba or a red-headed Jew. I got 99 problems, but Mazel Tov, son.

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The Importance of Personal Hygiene Daddy needs a haircut. Caillou needs a wig. Mommy needs to get off of her frumpy ass and make the iron her friend. And Grandpa needs a new diaper; he soiled himself three episodes ago, but Grandma has been too stoned to notice. After witnessing this hot mess of characters, children will be begging to brush their teeth.