Kanye West

Breaking News: Kimye’s Baby’s Name

I’m kinda cheating today, pals. You know my goal is to write something every day in the month of March, and in keeping with BlogHer’s theme of risk, I’m limiting myself to only 15 minutes of written spewage. But because I’m in not in a good place today, I’m afraid anything new I were to write would be laden with negativity and bitterness. Just to give you a snippet of why my panties are in a twist today: my son insists on waking before the sun, and today he took it upon himself to create art work with glitter paint sans my supervision. My hardwood floors look like Ke$ha and Studio 54 had a baby.

On that sour note, I’ve been drafting ideas for this post for a few days, and that’s why it may be cheating. So, sue me.

You’ve either been living under a rock or are a real adult if you haven’t heard the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, AKA: Kimye, are expecting a baby. Reportedly, the baby is a girl which means there is no way in hell that poor kid won’t ~~be all kids of effed up~~ have a first name that starts with the letter “K.” I personally think Kim seeks out men whose first names start with a K as to create the perfect Mommy-Daddy-Baby K Trifecta, but that’s an allegation for another time.

The Kardashian Klan has exhausted a lot of the K-names since Mama Kris has been popping out kids since the late 70′s, so it may prove a bit difficult to come up with something fitting for Kimye’s spawn. That’s why I’ve decided to lend a hand.

Kitty. Because we wouldn’t even know Kim existed if she hadn’t made a special movie featuring her kitty…

Kash. Because that’s what Kim was paid for making her special movie.

Kristmas. Kim’s middle name is Noel so this is just an educated guess on my part. And yes, I realize that the fact that I even know this makes me pathetic.

Kato Kaelin. What a blast from the past, eh?!

Klondike. An attractive mix of chocolate and vanilla, not to mention one of the countless ways Mr. West insults women in his “music.”

Kate. No, that would never work. Too simple. Too classy.

Kryptonite. Much like the sunlight to his constantly sunglassed eyes, I look for fatherly responsibilities and explosive infant poops to repulse Kanye. I hope I’m wrong for the sake of little Kryptonite, but I’m not.

Kustody. This doesn’t really merit an explanation, does it?!

Time’s up! If you have brain cells to waste, feel free to leave additional name suggestions in the comments!

Calling All Weirdos

You ever pay attention to the search terms that result in people stumbling aimlessly upon your blog? I really haven’t given them much thought…until today:

How to establish yourself as a rapper.

Finally, Kanye West is reaching out for help! It’s his lucky day because I wrote a post about writing a rap song a few months back. HERE, Kanye. Enjoy.

I was curious to see what else people are smacking off of their keyboards to inadvertently find me. Here are a few of the weirdest all-time search terms in no particular order of weirdness:

1. Eyebrow lady. I know I talk about my eyebrows a lot, but you don’t understand what it takes to keep them under control. They grow together, up, down, and out. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would pay someone to keep those sons of bitches in their seats for good.

2. I want to be size happy. This one was nice. But it made me wonder if the lost soul found THIS post I wrote after having my son almost four years ago. Warning: if you’re not already aware of the ridiculous ways your life (and body…) will change after birthing someone, don’t read this. Just go to Starbucks with your People magazine and do you.

3. One year old little boys just wearing diapers while dad rubs his privates between his legs. I’m not even commenting on this one.

4. Spanks. I’m pretty sure this person was looking for Spanx-related information. Otherwise, sorry to disappoint!

5. Crazy bloggers. Now this person has found the right place. Welcome!

6. Mom puts kid in scissorhold. I vaguely remember writing about this, but I’m too lazy to look for it. Please note that I only do this when cutting my kids’ fingernails or using that booger-sucking contraption. Don’t judge.

7. Solo touch sex with babysitter. Note to self: only let the grandparents babysit. Dani Ryan, if you’re reading this, STOP!

Did I tell you that my goal is to put my March Madness (I’ve since renamed NaBloPoMo because it hurts my head to remember that) down in 15-minutes or less? It’s like I’m back in high school doing a timed writing. I’m such a dork that it actually excites me.

Until tomorrow, pals! Happy Saturday!