Oversharing: Menstruation Madness

What’s shakin’ party people?!

Before we get into today’s Oversharing piece, let’s talk about the awesomeness that is my new blog design! I’m so super happy with it (hell-to-the-NO I didn’t do it myself!), and if you need some work done (Botox not included), click the AKay Web Design button at the bottom of the page. Andrea and crew are phenomenal. If you just need small fixes or want to optimize SEO and other things that I don’t understand, check out my girl Julie at Fabulous Blogging. She offers FREE tips on her blog, and it just so happens that yours truly is over there today sharing my first year o’ blogging experiences. Click HERE to read it and get some freebies from Julie the Great!

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for (unless you’re my dad who was WARNED not to read this–Daddy, look away!), today’s Menstruation Madness! Frazzled Shell‘s  Michelle has traveled the whole way from the UK to make you giggle like a preschooler that just farted.

OversharingPresents.FlusteredShell

I started my period when I was 12.  My pregnancies have been the only respite I have had from ‘The Curse’. Day 1 of my period – don’t speak to me, don’t expect me to walk, talk and – bitch, please – don’t expect feeding.  Just a little bit of TMI to let you know – it’s THAT bad.

The other month, I wake up. The period had started the evening before so ‘Day 1′ was that morning. Normally I get a 5 second window of opportunity to reach the toilet in the bathroom. Not so that morning.

I step out of bed and ‘WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!’.

Me: ‘Shit!’

I cross my legs as tightly as I can and waddle out of the bedroom, past amused-looking sons, down the landing and into the bathroom.

By the time I get to the bathroom – thankfully which has non-slip, moppable floors – it looks like someone (me) has been murdered.  I open the door, call my husband – bring me some clean (black!) knickers and sanitary pads please.

He comes in and pales at the sight of the bathroom. I’ll need a shower straight away, I say. He says he’ll take kids down and feed them breakfast. I clean up, have a shower and go downstairs.

I am in absolute agony when I arrive down to find my kids eaten and dressed.  I pop two Co-codamol and an Ibuprofen and I shrug my shoulders at my husband as I sink onto the sofa, my apathy silently communicating that ‘You’ll have to make the lunches. I’m doing nothing today’.

My youngest son, who is 6, approached me and stroked my hair. He’s holding his fleecy blanket and drapes it over me. Bless him.

Him: ‘Are you ok now, Mum?’

Me: ‘Yes sweetie.’

Him: (Solemn) ‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell my friends in school that you shit yourself.’

(*Note – what this actually means is ‘The minute I get on the school yard, I am going to tell ALL my friends, that you shit yourself, and I will use the word ‘shit’ too, quite possibly within earshot of other teachers, and probably other parents too’.)

Me: (Bolt upright) ‘What did you just say? Potty mouth?’

Him: ‘You shit yourself. I won’t tell.’

Me: ‘I didn’t ‘shit’ myself!’

Him: (Indignant) ‘YES YOU DID! I saw you, you were running to the toilet with your legs crossed, and then you shouted ‘OH JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE!’ and then you shouted Dad to bring you new knickers. You shit yourself!’

Me: ‘No I DIDN’T!!’

Him:  ‘What then?’

Daughter:  ‘I think Mum got her period.’

Me:  ‘Shut up!  Bloody hell!  Is nothing sacred?’

Other son:  ‘What’s a period?’

Daughter: ‘Well…’

Me:  ‘Shut UP!’

My husband at this point, was crying tears of mirth silently in the kitchen, and took me to one side to clarify that as he was leaving the bedroom armed with my clean underwear, our son had nodded at him and said ‘Has she shit herself, again?’

AGAIN?

So, weighing up explaining menstruation to a 6-year-old against letting him (and the rest of the infant department) think I’d crapped myself – you know what won out that morning, don’t you?

Pfffffffffffft.

*******************

Michelle is a nearly 37-year-old frazzled Mum of four who blogs at Frazzled Shell. She lives on a small island in North Wales, UK, which is nowhere near as exotic as it sounds (sadly). She loves cooking and being humiliated by her children.

Show her some love on her brand-spanking new Facebook page HERE 

or

on Twitter: @luckygoldcat

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Comments

  1. Oh my! That was hilarious. I’m sorry your son thought you shit yourself, but, better than explaining I def agree.

  2. This was the first thing I read this morning. I am laying in bed crying from laughing so hard. Sorry, bit that was an awesome oversharing!

  3. OH MY WORD…I AM STILL LAUGHING!!! MY TUMMY IS IN KNOTS…NO SOUND IS COMING OUT AND I’M IN TEARS. JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE!!! << which I will be using the first chance I get! OH MY GOSH SOMEBODY CALL ME A DOCTOR PLEASE. "Has she shit herself, again?" PRICELESS!

    • LOL Vernette, I hope you enjoy using the phrase :-) Oh that’s my son, my darling, beautiful, angel faced son. Mouth like a sewer. Who was also the one who ensured that my nickname on the infant yard is ‘Flappy Bum’. That was a whole other blog post… ;-)

  4. Too funny … and while I have been there for the first part (I seriously HATE the first and second days of my period – and tampons are out of the question b/c of that whole ‘Whoosh’ thing – ugh!) I can’t say I have had the pleasure of my daughter talking about me crapping my pants :-) I have come home to a torn up sanitary napkin my dog has gotten into … when of the better things to see after you just get the house to yourself and feel like crap!

    Great post!

    • Thanks Melanie, yep tampons are a distant memory for me too. Four kids and no pelvic floor exercises … is a whole other oversharing moment/advertisment for Tena Lady etc… I’ll leave it there *nods*

      And eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! They’re bad enough intact, but mutilated? Guts of steel for that job!

  5. Nothing like a good giggle snort to start the day. That was ALL kinds of hilarious. As sorry as I am that this happened to you, I’m so glad you were willing to share it. Moms don’t get any dignity do they?

    • NO dignity whatsoever, ever. Even something as routine as a Physiotherapy appointment with my son, with THE most stuck up Physio I have ever met in my life, and one of them comes out with – ‘My Mum does massive farts’ – (I do, but still… come on, dignity?) I died a little and shrunk down in the chair, but no – that wasn’t enough. It had to be finished off with – ‘Even massiver than Dad’s.’ The pièce de bloody résistance…

  6. Love your blog design! Thanks for the shout out too. And the menstrual story was very good. I remember the moment I got my first period. I was at a sleepover, of all places. It was epic and could have gone into the “Where are you God, it’s Me Margaret” book. :)

  7. I love what you’ve done with the place! I might need to put in a phone call to these amazing web designers in the near future. Perhaps around my blog’s birthday. Anyway, I wanted to drop a line to say I miss seeing you around my parts of the internet. Where you been lady?? Hope all is well and you’re managing to hold down the fort and everything in it. I’m sure you’re SUPER busy! :)

    • Hey, Anka!! Thanks so much for your kind words! I will reply to your email before 2014, I promise! I hope you and yours are well–especially that bun in the oven!! :)

      • Oh, Steph, no need to get back to my email. Life is busy, believe me I know! As for the bun in the oven, things are starting to look up. The morning sickness has subsided and I feel like a NEW woman! Woo hoo! ;)

        • I am so happy to hear you’re well!!! I didn’t get a notification of your new post…I’m wondering if I lost my WP subscriptions again?! Sigh. Will you do a me a favor and post the URL of your blog here as a comment? I’m getting angry! GRRRR! :)

  8. Lol! That’s an awesome overshare. Although, I think I would have to go with explaining menstruation over letting random kids think I pooped my pants. I don’t know what that says about my childhood insecurities.

    • I had to think and think fast that morning. I’d have preferred neither to be honest? But… this is Adam. Either way I was going to be secreting some fluid, and I thought poo was less offensive than blood to 6 year olds. More funny, but less horrific. Lol :-( #damnedifyoudo…

  9. “Jesus Christ on a bike” has to be my new favorite phrase!

    My four year old is always wanting to know why I’m putting a big giant sticker in my underwear… she thinks it’s for decoration. We can just go with that for now…

    Thanks for your oversharing! Loved it!

    • ‘Jesus Christ on a bike’ – perfect for those situations where merely taking the Lord’s name in vain isn’t quite enough. Stick him on a mode of transport – and bingo! ;-)

      • Oh and I have (on occasion when under extreme duress) been known to put Jesus Christ on a bloody tricycle too. But this is when things are really bad. Otherwise, it’s just a two wheeler.

  10. That was a tiny slice of brilliant! I loved every second, and I will not integrate, “Jesus Christ on a bike!” into my lexicon- thanks for giving me a new swear-phrase! Thank you SO much for sharing that- I had to tweet it- too hilarious not to share with the world!

  11. 1. I love the new blog design!!!

    2. I almost shit my pants laughing at this post! Oh wait. That’s weird, right? Because don’t you normally pee your pants when you laugh that hard?

    Anyway, thank you for the laugh!!!! I am adding you to my Bloglovin’ feed RIGHT NOW!!!!

    • LOL! :-) Well, I can’t speak for anyone else but I’m at the age that something leaks everytime I sneeze, cough, fart or laugh so – shit is good, I suppose?

  12. Oh girl that’s awful!! My son found my box of tampons one day and asked what they were. My husband said, “They’re Mommy’s magic.” He as 5 at the time and it’s the best we had- we’re not good under pressure, apparently. He’s now 9 and admitted to us for several years he thought I practiced magic tricks in the bathroom with my “magic wands.” Bwahahaha!
    Vicky
    liked your FB page!

  13. Him: (Solemn) ‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell my friends in school that you shit yourself.’ <—at least he is still being thoughtful :)

    • He likes to give the impression of being on my side… but the reality is he’d cut my throat sooner than look at me just to give his friends a laugh… >.<

  14. Oh I remember those days!!! I used to put a tampon in and within minutes the flood gates of Hades opened wide to pour through it all down my legs. Good times…isn’t it? LOL

    • Roll on menopause, is all I’m saying on the matter. Only for the contraceptive pill making me homicidal, I’d be taking those back to back :-/

  15. BTW- STEPHANIE- LOVE YOUR LOOK GIRL!!!!!! Say- you are looking mighty fine in that silhouette!!! Wowza!!! I wish I looked like that… ;)

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    ??

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