Inventions That Can Bite Me

I’m on the warpath today, friends. In the last 48 hours I have experienced such frustration with what most us of would consider “advancements” in technology, that I’m ready to throw in the techy towel.

Inventions

* Captcha. ENOUGH of this shit:

Capture

This is the actual size of the nonsense. Why don’t they just ask me to spell my name in Chinese?

I’m not a robot, I’m just not a human magnifying glass. And is it just me or is this fuzzy? Like so fuzzy that it feels like I’m drunk? I don’t mind a good buzz, but not when I’m trying to leave a snarky and hilarious comment on someone’s post that never shows up because I can’t tell if the friggin’ letter is an L or an I. Bite me, Captcha.

* NuvaRing. As I’ve already discussed why this supposedly fantastic medical advancement is a jerk, I won’t get into it again. Just please note that I have since lost the water weight; however, my Aunt Flo has apparently set up camp for the entire month of February. If March isn’t any different, you will all hear my head explode from your house.

* The liftgate on my car. In my best Chandler Bing voice: “Could you BE any slower?!” I should be grateful that I have a car with such a wonderful feature. But I’m not. I’d rather close that biatch myself than have to wait sixty seconds in the pouring rain making sure that the stroller, groceries, and playground toys don’t get in the way, preventing a proper latching. It also prohibits a good slam, and we all know that shopping with two toddlers sometimes calls for a good slam of the door.

* Pinterest: This one is only partially true: I love it because, much like crystal meth, Pinterest makes me believe I can accomplish the impossible; I hate it because, much like steroids, it leave me in a rage that I can’t do any of the fancy crap it advertises.

* Brazilian Bikini Wax: when Brazil has winters like western PA, we’ll talk about hair removal. Can you get with that, Gisele?

* Comcast’s On-Demand or any other cable company that offers instant access to certain shows. Let me be clear: I love the immediate gratification of clicking two buttons on my remote and turning my living room into a movie theater. It works for me. But for my kids? Absolutely not. There is no way to escape watching the same episode of Caillou 93 times because they know it’s there. I’ve tried pretending the remote control is broken, but they got all 1963 on me and turned on the TV by pressing the button on the TV. Show offs.

* Bluetooth. A safety feature or an attempt to interrupt my car concerts? The second I get into a Mumford and Sons harmony, someone calls and cuts me off. The call actually cuts off the music, not me, which means we’re all left listening to ME in an otherwise silent car. No one appreciates this. No one.

* My Brita Water Pitcher. Cousin of the Liftgate, the Brita Water Pitcher is one slow mofo. It takes forever for the water to filter down into the actual pitcher, and will oftentimes overflow upon first pour. My kid pees more than the reservoir holds, but if you’ve got 20 minutes to waste four times a day, sure, buy a Brita.

And finally…

* Walmart. The prices can’t be beat, yet small mom and pop shops are closing all over the place because of this monster. The result? I shop there and feel guilty. Like moms need anything else to feel guilty about. Sigh.

Okay, kids, gotta jump in the Liftgate car with Bluetooth enabled and head to Walmart for a replacement Brita filter pitcher. And hate myself.




Comments

  1. …and…exhale!!! :D

    Hmmm and I get the Brazilian…because well…I hate cats and we dont have “winter woes” in the Caribbean.

  2. Jen schiebel says:

    Where ya goin’ Steph? Gettin’ a bikini wax?

  3. Jill Pinnella Corso says:

    Lol! You’ve got some stuff to deal with over there! OMG what is with captcha? Getting rid of that was the best part about leaving blogger.

    And I never realized I minded Brita pitchers until now. Seriously, there’s not a faster, lighter, filter yet? If it filtered faster, the reservoir wouldn’t have to be so big. And the stupid filter makes the thing top heavy, and falls out when I get down to the bottom of the pitcher. Now I’m all riled up!

  4. nothingbythebook says:

    Captcha, or as I call it, the reason I don’t comment on your (I don’t mean your, you know what I mean!) blog…

    Re shopping at Walmart–have I told you I’m giving up guilt for Lent? It’s great…

  5. motherhoodisanart says:

    haha! Great post! We got rid of cable and replaced it with the equally annoying NetFlix! My two year old can work it and he keeps putting his crappy shows in our Instant Queue. Now to find my Mad Men series I have to click through 82 cartoons consisting of Blues Clues and Dora to find it!

    • We’ve been toying with getting NetFlix or Fios or something that is not Comcast, but we haven’t made the jump yet. Good to know they all offer no solution to this very serious issue ;) Oh and Jon Hamm? Mmmmm :)

  6. Michael Barone says:

    When did you do crystal meth and steroids? Did you do them together, or was this two separate events? Come to think about it, steroids would explain some of your moods over the years!

  7. Michael Barone says:

    Why does my picture show up when I comment on YOUR posts, but whenever I do it on other people, it’s some old person’s quilt or some shit?!

  8. Bahahahaha! This is hilarious!

    I hate captcha. You’d think bloggers would know this is a hinderance with so many people complaining about it, yet it still exists. My rule is: if I can’t get it on the 2nd try, you don’t get my comment. And I’m probably not coming back. :)

    And OMG about Brazilian waxing. I’ve tried it once. It almost killed me.

    • I couldn’t written an entire post on Captcha. It’s the devil. Good for you for trying the wax, Mama! Probably prepared you for labor and delivery ;)

  9. Michael Barone says:

    Well aint that some bullshit. And I didn’t need anger management. That was probably the worst experience of my life that happened directly to me. Pissed me off. MIKE IS GETTIN UPSET.

  10. Oh, Stephanie, I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know what a liftgate is? I’m assuming it’s an automatic door that closes the trunk or car door. Our cars are almost a decade old so I still get the satisfaction of slamming the trunk. And let me tell you, it feels wonderful each time!

    • Don’t be embarrassed! My husband’s truck is 12 years old–that’s the only way we could afford a vehicle with that “fancy” liftgate. It is an automatic trunk-like thing in our SUV. Convenient to a certain extent; maddening to the full extent!

  11. Penny Roach says:

    OMG so funny. We switched to the individual Brita bottles…much easier to use. And who shaves in the winter? I know you’re just as cold in Western PA as we are here in the Windy City, so unless Hubs complains, I say what’s the point anyway!

    I think I need to go listen to Mumford & Sons. Have a great weekend!!

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids
    http://greenmomsandkids.wordpress.com

  12. My husband found this unusual new design for a one-cup coffee machine. Vote for it so it is made and we can all have a great cup of coffee!

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