Conversations with a Toddler

DSCN1737Since having kids, I’ve found myself saying some ri-donk-ulous things. This is a collection of conversations I never thought I would have with another human being, but you know what they say about kids: they really do say some jacked up shiz. Be sure to check back because as long as my kids are talking, this list will be growing. Join the party and add your funny convos in the comments, or find the fun on WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion’s Facebook page; if you’re a fellow writer or small business owners (think Etsy, not Microsoft) I’ll share your kid’s funny and pimp your page.

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Me: Why are you carrying around your potty?

Toddler: Betause (because).

Me: Do you have to pee-pee?

Todder: No. Me stand in it and poop in me pants.

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Girl: Whereusisgonin?

Me: Huh?!

Girl: Whereusisgonin?

Me to my husband: Interpretation?

Husband: I got nothin.

Girl: Whereusisgonin?!

Me: Oh! You mean where ARE WE GOING?!

Girl: Me not know whereusisgonin, Mummy.

Who’s on First, Toddler Edition

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Conversations with a Toddler about The Fourth of July

Me: It’s America’s birthday today!

Toddler: No. It me birt-day.

Me: Nope, not today. Today is America’s birthday. You’ll see lots of red, white, and blue, and even fireworks!

Toddler: Me want pink.

Me: The flag is red, white, and blue, not pink.

Toddler: I yike fags. My party comin’ up. Happy birt-day to meeeeeee!

My history lesson is over. And on behalf of my two year old’s inability to pronounce L’s, we apologize for all derogatory epithets.

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Overheard this little ditty between my kids:

Boy: You can say darn it, but you can’t say dammit.

Girl: DAMMIT!

Boy: No!! Mom says you can’t say DAMMIT! Say darn it!

Girl: Darn it!

Boy: Good girl! (whispers) You can say dammit when she can’t hear you, though. (whispers quieter) daaaaaammmmmiiiiitttttttt…

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“Do not pull on your brother’s peeper!”

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To the UPS delivery person (or anyone who dares to come to my house during nap time): “The doorbell isn’t broken; we just don’t use it between the hours of 1-3. You wake’em, you take’em!”

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“Sliding boards are not for licking.”

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“No, you may not ride the dog.”

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“Is that a raisin? Reeses Puff? Someone taste it.”

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“Come here, let me sniff your butt.”

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“That’s okay, just wipe it on your shirt.” DSCN1351

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“Please don’t put another person’s foot in your mouth.”

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“It is NOT okay to swim in the dog’s water bowl. OR the toilet.”

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“So, you’ll taste your boogers, but not my dinner?”

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Toddler: “Dammit.”

Parent: “That’s not a nice word. You shouldn’t say it.”

Toddler: “You do.”

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Toddler: “Where do families come from?”

Parent: “Ummm…”

Toddler: “God, right?”

Parent: “Yes, good answer!”

Toddler: “So where do the kids come from?”

Parent: “……..”

Toddler: “Jesus, huh?”

Parent: “Yep! Another good answer!”

Toddler: “I have ‘yots’ of good answers.”          DSCN1860

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Parent: “Should we have another baby?”

Toddler: “No. We already have one baby.”

Parent: “But your sister is getting so big. Shouldn’t we have another tiny, cuddly baby?”

Toddler thinks this over and: “No, because I can only be mean to Ella, not a baby.”

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Dad: Do you want to lie down for a little bit?

Toddler: Nope. I’m fresh as a daisy!

Dad: Fresh as a daisy?! Where did you hear that?

Toddler: Daisy.

Dad: Yeah, but WHO told you that?

Toddler: Daisy.

Dad: But–

Mom: DAISY FROM MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE!

Toddler: Yeah, after she had a sleepover with Minnie. She said, “I’M FRESH AS A DAISY!”

A Toddler’s version of Who’s on First? 

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Toddler: Can we go throw snowballs?

Parent: First we have to run some errands.

Toddler: But I don’t WANT to run errands!!!!!!

Parent: Well you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

Toddler: I don’t want cake. I want to throw snowballs.         1244363cf1d011e1b44322000a1e8c9f_7

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Walking down the basement steps, Parent says: Hold onto the railing, please.

Toddler: Every time you request that, I say “I am, Mom.” And I’ll say it again now: I am, Mom.

Parent: Did you just say “request?”

Toddler: Yep.

Parent: That gets you a pass for the attitude. Well played.

Toddler: Fanks. (Thanks in Toddler-ese)

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Toddler: I made you lunch. Here are some cupcakes.

Mom: Cupcakes for lunch? Shouldn’t we eat something healthy first?

Toddler: The healthy food is for the mans. The womans eat cupcakes.

Mom: Why do the women have to eat the fatty foods?

Toddlers: Well, womans like fat. Especially moms.

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Toddler: Your nose is too close to your mouth.

Mom: What does that mean?

Toddler: Your nose is really big.

Mom: Awesome.