I am a walking cliché at the holidays. Mailboxes stuffed with Christmas cards, preferably the ones plastered with the faces of family and friends, make my heart so happy. Nothing brings me more delight than belting out a Christmas tune despite my kids’ insistence that I can’t sing.
Cookies shaped like snowflakes? YES!
$30 pictures with a perv in a Santa suit? PLEASE!
Decorating every square inch of the house with shit my kids will break? YOU KNOW IT!
I just can’t get enough of this time of the year. But it would be thoughtless of me to ignore the fact that not everyone is as fortunate as my crooked Christmas tree having, snowflaked cookie eating, tone-deaf singing self. Fortunately, there are much better, kinder souls out there who aren’t as obsessed with holiday “stuff.” In fact, if we were to poll the average American*, he would say
a membership to the Beer of the Month club world peace is at the top of his wish list. (*This is a basic assumption on my part. Obvs.) But world peace is pretty elusive. Some people even say it is downright impossible to achieve. I say those people are wrong; they’re not cynical, they just don’t have the proper tools, if you will. So allow me:
1. Every world leader, dignitary, politician, and terrorist alike should start his/her day the same: with a balanced breakfast and an orgasm. Let’s put the “Ohhhhhhh!” in Cheerios, shall we? I can’t imagine wanting anything but happiness on a full, satisfied stomach.
2. There should be no more of anything done “in the name of God.” We don’t all believe in the same one, or one at all, and it is entirely too easy (and destructive) to pin our deeds on an intangible deity. Instead, let’s do everything in the name of fellow man, humanity.
3. Rather than allow the media to celebrate school shootings or terrorist attacks, let’s throw a party in the name of love. I want to live in a world that shows me constant footage of the 17-year-old boy who held my little guy up to reach the pretzels at the doctor’s office yesterday. I want to be inundated with news of babies, weddings, and kindness. Let’s glorify the good.
4. Instead of weapons of mass destruction, I want inflatable boxing rings and Sumo wrestler suits. If Bin Laden and George W. could have aired their grievances with over-sized gloves and a crowd of laughing drunks, think how different our world be today.
5. Everyone should have a pet. Assholes are somehow more tolerable when they’re petting a puppy.
Boom. World Peace. Steve Martin’s Christmas wish of all the children joining together in harmony and peace is finally realized. And to think: it all started with some fiber and the Big O.