I often rely on my writing to take attention away from the fact that I am the world’s worst gift giver. I’m the one who buys you a sweater in July, but the sweet words in your card totally make up for it.
Unless you’re my husband.
The crap I buy him is usually soooo ridiculous that it doesn’t matter what I write. Once, I gave him a card with promises for sexy time, but he didn’t notice because he was trying to find a nice way to tell me how bad the gift sucked. Apparently I had purchased him a round of golf at a course that was so crappy it had actually closed. Ooopsie.
Yesterday, we were at the mall and he bought himself a new pair of sandals. It wasn’t until we were back home that I realized I had already purchased him the same ones for Father’s Day. On the bright side, he’ll really like my gift this year.
Dear Husband, since I have once again effed up, I’m throwing in the gift-giving towel and instead making a Father’s Day pledge in your honor. I’m going to keep my sarcasm to a minimum (though I don’t know why because everyone knows you love it), and I may go so far as to support your lawn maintenance obsession. We’ll see. Husband, I give to you:
10 Things I Will (or Won’t) Do For My Husband on Father’s Day
1. You have given me beautiful, healthy, amazing children. On your special day, I will give you ample time with them. I leave for the spa in 10.
2. I will not complain when you begin painting or fixing something three minutes before we leave for church.
3. However, I cannot promise that the kids and I won’t chant, “Dad’s a putzer!” in unison. Again.
4. As you have requested, I will keep counters and other surfaces clutter-free. Until Monday.
5. When you are mowing the lawn, cursing at the crab grass, or admiring your landscaping, the children and I will be your cheering squad: “Whose mulch is that?! It’s DAD’S mulch! Who?! D-A-D! Gooooooo Dad!”
6. It’s inevitable that your attire will be, how do I say this?, akin to something a toddler would dress himself in, but I will
only make two save my snide remarks for someone else. Please note that if you dress the kids, they will be the “someone else.”
7. You wanna golf? Pee on the weeping mulberry tree to keep the deer away? Fall asleep reading an actual copy of the newspaper instead of an online edition like everyone else in 2014 reads? Go nuts. It’s your day.
8. I won’t ask a thing of you, unless I need to pinpoint the origin of a particular odor. Even then, I’ll cover for you.
9. Maaaaybe you can see me naked. Maybe.
10. You are an incredible father, a fantastic husband, and an all-around stand-up guy. I love you more than I love chocolate, and I know I don’t tell you enough. So, on Father’s Day, I will try to remember to tell you how very much I love chocolate. I mean, you. I LOVE YOU!